At age sixteen, I was doing well at school and I had friends who I had fun with.  This was also the age where my life started to change.

My mum also experiences mental distress. When I was sixteen she became quite unwell eventually needing an admission. She wasn’t sleeping well, she became addicted to sleeping pills, she would be talking nonsense and pacing around, saying that she doesn’t want to be here anymore. This was very difficult as a 16-year-old to experience. What helped get me through that, was having something to focus on- study. I was very worried but having something else to think about got me through it. I was also well supported by my boyfriend at the time and his family. He was always there for me, and his family gave me a place to stay when mum needed an admission. Having someone there was helpful, I didn’t feel alone, it wasn’t anything he said or did, he was just alongside me.

At 18 years old I was very confused about what to do after school, but I ended up choosing to study Landscape Architecture. I completed a year of this and passed everything, even with As. I had a new boyfriend who I lived with, with his family while studying. Life was quite simple at this stage and I was very focussed on study. In my free time my boyfriend and I enjoyed gaming and watching tv and going out on walks.

At 19 years old, I started taking contraception which didn’t suit me and I started to have hormonal symptoms -I wasn’t sleeping well, I had night sweats, and felt very emotional and was crying a lot. I was having arguments with my boyfriend and getting to a point of breaking up. At this time, I switched from Landscape Architecture to second year Environment Management. The arguments continued, I was feeling a lot of stress, I wasn’t sleeping and ended up falling behind in study.

I then started experiencing a lot of anxiety and my mental health became worse. I had attended a lecture about parasites and started to believe I had parasites. Then I insisted I was pregnant, even though I was taking contraception. I went to my GP a lot wanting tests because I legitimately thought I had these things, and this was very stressful.

I broke up with my boyfriend and went back to live with my mum at this point. I remember arguing a lot with my mum about my parasites and pregnancy beliefs.  

I returned to live with my ex-boyfriend due to arguments with my mum. While staying with him I became obsessive about washing my hands and taking long showers, trying to rid myself of parasites. I couldn’t focus on study, I wasn’t sleeping, and was very stressed about living with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend became uncomfortable about watching me in distress, and his parents tried to help with herbal supplements. My mental health continued to deteriorate. His parents had security cameras, and I was worried they were trying to steal my identity, take my bank account details, and steal my money. Things became even worse when I started thinking that his parents were trying to kill me with the herbal medicines. I was so scared that I went to a University staff member who then told the doctors who were already familiar about my anxiety about parasites and pregnancy. The doctors insisted I take medication but I refused due to being worried they were also trying to hurt me. I went back to mum’s house and thought mum was trying to poison me also. I ran away. I ran around the streets in my dressing gown late at night. I tried to go to people asking for the Police. I eventually called the Police myself, but then thought they sounded like my ex-boyfriend’s mum so thought the Police were also against me.

The Police supported me to ED and from there I went to the mental health hospital. I was quite happy to go as I was so frightened. I remember crying and refusing medication, I needed time in my room away from everything. I believed the patients and nurses were colluding with the government to kill me. I thought my mum was against me, even though she came every day to help me. I thought I was on tv and everyone hated me. I was too worried to shower as I would be on my own and easily killed. At my discharge meeting with the ward and the EIP team I still thought everyone was going to kill me. Before anyone could hurt me, I took 33 paracetamol tablets to do it myself. I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t want to die so I ended up telling my mum and went to the medical ward.

After hospital, I continued having strange thoughts that people were trying to kill me even though they were only trying to help. I was thinking very slowly and doing nothing with my life. I decided to go back to uni in 2019 semester two, starting with two papers. People thought that I should only do one, but I decided to do two papers as I thought I was capable enough. I was still thinking very slowly but this improved and I did well - getting an A overall for one of the courses and B for the other.

I experienced more stress during 2019 and the start of 2020. I started to decrease my medication without telling my support team as I was gaining weight. I got together with a new boyfriend and he wasn’t the best influence in the world… I ended up drinking and doing drugs with him. One night when I was on the drugs I experienced psychosis again. I was thinking that people were following me trying to kill me, and that people were talking to me behind my back. My sleep schedule wasn’t going well- most nights I wouldn’t sleep but I didn’t know why.

After being with my boyfriend for a few months we decided to move to a new city. I was quite disorganised at this point- I only started packing the night before leaving and ended up missing my flight and having to get a new one. I went to the airport by myself and the people working there said I couldn’t get on the plane as I had too many bags. I had a meltdown in the middle of the airport, crying with no one to help. At the airport I was worried everyone was staring at me. When I arrived at the new city I ran to the bathrooms and cried in there as I was so overwhelmed. I then met with my boyfriend and tried to find my bags, I found some of them but there were two missing.

The first night I was in the new city we had fun going to bars and hanging out with friends. The next day I went out to get things organised for uni as I decided to study architecture up there. I was also looking for my suitcases so I went on buses to the airport. I thought that people were trying to secretly help me as I remember looking at someone’s phone and it saying this is where you need to go. I thought I was on tv as well as I thought one of the bus drivers said so. I thought the government was following me and that I was famous. I spent most of my money on shopping as I thought people were telling me to. I thought that people were trying to point me in the right directions with signs and things because I ended up somehow going to all the places I needed to when I barely knew the city.

Suddenly it was getting late and my phone died. I didn’t know how to get to my boyfriend’s place, so I started asking random people if they could help. One girl took me to a bar and tried to charge my phone but I felt uncomfortable and left. I ended up at a petrol station and that’s where somehow my boyfriend found me and took me home. I think on the same day (can’t quite remember) we were watching tv and I thought that the tv was talking about me and that I was really famous. After that I began writing that I cheated on my boyfriend and showed him it. Later I wanted to go out on a walk. I didn’t want my boyfriend to follow, but he did. I ended up running around the streets of the new city saying that my boyfriend is making me mental to random people on the streets, he ended up calling an ambulance and they came to pick me up and took me to hospital.

At hospital I refused medication, so a lot of people held me down and gave me what I think was an injection of medication. I thought they were forcing me to get euthanised. After that I thought the hospital were trying to kill me, I was terrified, I didn’t want to talk to anyone or eat anything. Then I thought that my boyfriend had gotten famous from me and was trying to get into the hospital with his fans. I was taking a lot of medication while I was in hospital. I was all loopy. After a few days I began to think that the hospital was trying to get rid of my brain and put someone else’s brain in my head. I thought my mum was in the city somehow, not wanting to see me but trying to get them to have this transplant done as I thought she did not want my psycho brain. I was very upset and thought another girl in the hospital was going to replace me. One time when she went out of the hospital I thought it was going to be her first time meeting my mum, so I tried to go out of the hospital too and ended up crying my eyes out next to the door. They had a party straight after that and I thought it was to celebrate my death, and I thought everyone was looking at me strangely thinking why are you here? I felt very alone in that hospital.  My mum was in my hometown the whole time and my boyfriend only came to see me once. I missed my case manager and my mum so much. I eventually made a friend who talked to me a lot and made me feel better, I am so grateful for his support.

After 2 weeks of being alone in that hospital I got transferred to the hospital back home. I still thought I was famous but this time I thought everyone was ignoring me because I was unwell and got put in the mental hospital. When we landed it seemed like we were about to take off again and I got scared, so I asked the nurses what was happening and then the plane stopped- it was very strange. I stayed in hospital for another two weeks. I still thought my mum wanted to get rid of my brain and put someone else’s brain in my head. I also began to think that people were trying to clone me. I thought there were the killers (the men) and the clones (the women), I was very scared the whole time. My mum came and visited me every day and even stayed some nights in the hospital. My friends and an ex-boyfriend also came and visited me. I also thought they were trying to kill me through putting methylated spirts in the water. I was always in and out of rooms and I didn’t want to stay near what I thought were the killers. I tried to be friends with everyone and tried to remember everyone’s name so people could see I’m worth living and so they wouldn’t want to kill me. I also thought that the government was making up that I was the first person to have Coronavirus in New Zealand, and that people should stay away from me. I thought that would be the cause of my death if things were to go wrong with what I thought was their experiment.

After a while I got to go on leave to my mum’s house. At this point I realised mum has wanted me all along. I started getting better and ended up getting released from the hospital. After I got released, lockdown happened and I began to get really depressed from being at home all day every day and having nothing to do. My brain was thinking slower than usual and I thought that I wasn’t going to get any better. I thought that I was never going to have a job because no one would hire someone who thinks as slow as me, and that I wasn’t capable of being places on time, and that I had no way of getting there as I couldn’t use my car. I also thought I could never study again as I was too slow, I had no way of getting there, and that I was always going to be late or miss classes. I also thought that no guy was going to like me or that I wouldn’t have friends ever again as I was slow, ugly, and had no job or education and never will. As lockdown slowly faded, I started to see an ex-boyfriend again. I thought he was not interested in having a relationship with me as I was useless. I started having arguments with my mum again, about how I’m always going to be depressed, I won’t be able to have a job or an education. All she wanted was for me to be happy and to think positively. I ended up staying nights at my ex boyfriend’s.

Eventually I went to a respite house, but that didn’t help me. I then went to another support place for people with mental illness, but not quite hospital. I was still very depressed and ended up going on antidepressants. I didn’t have motivation to do anything as I was not sleeping well and hadn’t been for the year before. I met some friends there and someone who went through the same stuff as me, it was really nice to not feel alone. The people there really helped me too and I even begun to smile again, the first time in months.

After staying there, I went to a supported accommodation house for young people. I started looking for a job which I found almost right away, a four-minute walk from where I was staying. I wanted to work full time or nearly, so they gave me plenty of hours. I ended up reducing my hours to 12 hours a week due to stress. When I was depressed I didn’t have any hobbies at all. I used to love art, going on walks, electronics, shopping, and dancing with music while doing my makeup. After I moved into supported accommodation I started enjoying hobbies again- going on walks again, putting my makeup on for work, did shopping, I even dyed my hair. After working a few months, I decided to study architecture at college- I was so excited. However, when I went there for the first day I decided it wasn’t for me and changed to Art & Design, which is what I am doing now.

It’s amazing how I went from being psychotic twice to being depressed and thinking that I am never going to work or study again, to having a job and then studying. I now think my life has turned out pretty great thanks to my mum, the help of the EIP team, my dad and my friends. I hope for the future I will not become unwell again, that I will finish my studies, and that I will have a lot of support along the way.

What has helped me, or helps me to live my life following on from my experience with mental distress?

What helps me is a good sleep routine, family and friends there to support me through my studies and life, and living with people who are on the same boat, knowing that I am not alone.

What challenges have I faced in my journey and what has helped me keep going?

I guess the main thing was not sleeping well but every night I would keep trying. My mum always said always go to bed at a reasonable time even if you’re not sleeping so that helped me eventually sleep.

What do I do now to maintain my wellbeing?

I go to bed at reasonable times, I talk to my support workers and my parents almost every day, I study to keep my mind busy, not to be at home all day thinking how depressing life is. I go on walks to relax my mind.

What have I learnt from my experiences?

I learnt that I wasn’t the only one going through what I was going through, I learnt that I would get better even when I didn’t believe it myself, I learnt that you need to have a good sleep schedule, good support and to keep your mind busy in order to get better.

Is there anything I would like to have known earlier?

I would’ve liked to know that I wasn’t the only one going through what I was going through, I would’ve liked to know that I would get better as time goes by and I wouldn’t always be depressed and slow with nothing to do.

What advice would I give to someone who is going through it now?

Advice I would give to someone would be never give up, things do get better even when it doesn’t seem like it, I am a good example, especially building myself back up twice after 2 psychotic episodes. I would trust people around who are trying to help such as close friends, family and support workers, they are there for you and there to help. Sleep is always important and so is taking your medication, I’ve learnt the hard way. It is always good to keep your mind busy so you don’t get depressed.